Eye Slapping on the Winding Road

I've been reading the online auto enthusiast magazine Winding Road from cover to cover since the first issue. It is one of the the first to adopt the flash based, e-zine presentation format that does a great job of creating the rich, immersive, print magazine feel within a web browser. You get big, beautiful pictures; full screen, two page spreads (without the staples); and with Winding Road, great writing from some of the top auto journalists in the history of the biz.

I have come to love their editorial focus on real world driving dynamics vs the typical battery of tests citing drag, panic stop and slalom numbers. It is just a great online magazine.

However, with the last issue or so I'm having a real problem reading this online rag. What follows is an open letter to the creators of Winding Road Magazine and all of you other 'eye slappers' out there in InterWeb land.

Dear Winding Road,

Please tell your advertisers that if they must animate their ads, do not create jarring sideshows and whatever you do in your little banner, don't repeat the show. Give it a rest at some point! What you are doing now amounts to eye slapping me while I'm trying to read the magazine. (And yes, I do read it for the articles.)

Maybe I'm the only one who loses attention on the story each time an ad flashes above or beside your article. Maybe I'm the only one who gets sick of seeing the same attention jarring animation 30 or 40 times during the course of reading a 100+ page issue. I may be somehow unique among all readers of this great and wonderful set of tubes called the Internets, but I don't think so.

The ads that flash and pop and burst new text and colors on to the screen are amazingly distracting and annoying. This desperate circus act for attention doesn't do ANYTHING to ingratiate me to their company, message or product. This is the web equivalent of the guy who won't stop talking in the library, the same as the guy who takes a call in the movie -- and stays in his seat. Do your advertisers want to be that guy?

Your magazine now reminds me of the quaint and comically sad days in the mid-90's when people discovered animated gifs and everyone decided to create flashing and rotating text on their site. The Purolator ad even cycles through my favorite CGA colors at the end of their ad! (To their credit however, the 'keep it pure' guys finally stop the action at some point.) Those where the days of the original eye slappers. A crude and brutish bunch.

But look how far we've come! As a result of this new "creativity" of your advertisers, here's how I have modified my use of your magazine during my reading of Issue 47:

First, I have learned that by quickly flipping back and forth from the page I want to read and the adjacent page, I can eventually get the page to load with ads that don't poke at my retinas. I'm not sure how they will stat all of the additional impressions, but rest assured none of my quick clicks between pages should be considered as a positive 'impression' for the advertisers.

Second, and this is even more troubling, I realized that I now hesitate to move between pages of your magazine because I don't want to get 'eye slapped' once again by one of these annoying ads. I was reading page 32 on the new BMW 5 Series GT and it mentioned something about the rear seats. I knew there was a picture of the seats on a previous page but I didn't leave the page I was on because,

a) I wasn't being eye slapped on the current page (ads weren't annoying on the page I was reading),

and, b) I knew I would have to refresh the page several times to get likable ads on the new page I wanted to read.

Wow. Who wants to read an online magazine that is created in a way that you're afraid to turn the page? I wouldn't turn the page for fear of being eye slapped once more.

The makers of Winding Road have a great concept. A great focus. Wonderful writing and visual presentation within the magazine pages. But PLEASE stop insulting us with the cartoonish ads. What's your next plan? Will you send in the clowns? With apologies to Mr. Sondheim - don't bother, they're here. The clowns are here and they are eye slapping us repeatedly!

Winding Road, I love your work. But please, no more eye slapping! Eye slapping will not be tolerated. I will modify my behavior to avoid the dreaded eye slap. How would you like to be eye slapped repeatedly? Fix the ads!

How was your ride?

"Hey, if this works for you, I'm going to move to Venice and buy a bike!"

I love how our language works. You can say something that on the face seems innocuous and pleasant but can have other implications as well. Kind of like the Ultimate Fighter who moves like they are going to kick your left ankle but crushes your right ear with a spinning lightening fast, roundhouse kick.

Today I got to live one of those moments. The language one, not the roundhouse kick.

Growing up in the south this whole method of double speak became second nature, so I've had quite a bit of experience with this area of life. I'm sure it goes on everywhere. It starts early in life, and quite simply.

- At 6, overdressed and itchy, at grandma's house for what amounts to a foreign meal, you're told how nice you look. You notice that they tell your brother how 'special he is' - and you learn in the moment that there are several types of special. Special isn't always good special.

Was it me who looked nice and my brother who was the special one? Or was it the other way around?

It was so long ago, I'm sure I don't remember.

- At 13, overdressed again, at the new girlfriend's front door, staring up at her father. "You're not goin' ta' do anything out of line with my daughter, are you, son?" Already sweating in the too thick cardigan, I rack my brain. In the background the girl - the reason I'm putting myself through all of this - is leaning against the wall, hoping I answer correctly.

She's slowly sliding one knee across the other as she bites her lip and tugs on that little skirt. A light jean-material, bright green mini-skirt hiding almost none of her legs, with a mod-power! style flower print splotched all over it, a hidden side zipper that went halfway down, a 1/2 inch metal button above. Or was it plastic?

It was so long ago, I'm sure I don't remember.

'Focus,' I tell myself, thinking quickly. Don't want to lie. Don't want to leave empty handed.

He repeats the question.

Then I straighten up and proudly proclaim, "No, Sir!" as I realize I don't want to do "anything" out of line with his daughter, I want to do something very specific.

Very specific.

Like hold her hand.

And compliment her on her wonderful parents. Language is an ambiguously wonderful thing.

Ah, the good old days, may they never return.

As for today, it went like this. I arrive at the office, on bike as is the norm, grab my non-sweaty clothes, and make my way as quickly as possible toward the facilities to change. On the way, I normally get a couple of 'how was it?' comments and I try to respond appropriately, which is with a polite and terse response.

Seems people don't really care about the dead animal I swerved to miss at mile marker 3.702. Or how close my heart rate was to exploding (as recorded by my trusty HR monitor) as I crested that huge 110 ft. hill. Who can blame them.

Then this one guy, let's call him Manny, goes a step further. After the typical 'how was it?' comment, he turned to me full face and started a real conversation.

"How many miles do you ride each way?"

"About 8," I replied. (Actually, it's 7.2 but I've learned from other riders you're supposed to round up, way up.)

"That's a good workout."

Standard stuff to this point. Then, as he turns to walk away, I get this...

"Hey, if this works for you, I'm going to move to Venice and buy a bike!"

I say, "Thanks." and Manny is gone. I'm left to reflect on his last statement as I fill my water bottles for the trip home. Obviously, there is something about me that needs to work. Manny must have been thinking, 'this guy must be desperate to get in shape.'

"If this works for you" - nice.

I thought I was just saving money and getting outside a bit. Ok, I hope to get into better shape. Lots better shape. If others can use Palettes to pass for meditation time, biking for weight loss can pass for green do-gooding, right? I'm saving the world one pound at a time! er, one mile at a time. Yeah, energy efficiency. That's why I started riding. The fact that I weighed almost 300 lbs had nothing to do with it. That was about 80 lbs ago. But at the start it was the environment, the gas savings, I think.

It was so long ago, I'm sure I don't remember.

Top 10 Bad iPhone App Ideas

They say that the only bad idea is no idea, but I beg to differ. After my daily download and install of the iPhone SDK, I began to brainstorm about the killer app that will soon be emerging from my software lab, shrouded in secrecy. I followed the best practices of idea generation and began to record every thought without judging or criticizing. I decided to start watching the SDK videos in the background as they would be pointing out the many features available and seeing them might spur some new ideas.

The new iPhone has an accelerometer, let's see:  
Accelerometer based:
1. iThrow
2. BlackiBox

It has a random number generator...

Psuedo Random Number Generator:
3. Random Contact Pic
4. Random RingTone
5. Address book data randomizer

Got any more?

Spam (6660)

Does it mean anything that my spam folder has 666 x 10 messages in it?

Opened GMail today and saw: 
Spam (6660)

Should I be worried?  

Or does this mean that all is right with the world?  

Maybe spam is just taking its natural form, preparing to burst upon the world and assert itself.

{refresh}

Spam (6693)

I feel much better now.

Around Venice

The first real spring weekend in Venice was interesting to say the least. The beach scene consists of an outdoor boardwalk that is a shopping mall masquerading as a carnival freak show. You can see just about anything and some think you can do just about anything. Next to the boardwalk is the bike path that serves as the through way for those who want to see and be seen on bikes, trikes, boards, blades, wandering hoards on foot (who serve to make it an almost perfect obstacle course) and just about any other personal conveyance you could imagine.


Heard Around Venice
Did you see the guy holding the yellow snake?

No, but I saw the guy with two iguanas on his hat. Are you talking about the guy standing on a chair in a thong holding a snake in each outstretched arm?

Those snakes weren't real. This one was alive.



Venice Math
Given a weekend day,
for every 5 deg warmer the forecast high temperature,
there are 10% more people,
each wearing 15% less clothing.
(which could be a good thing or a bad thing)

Heard around Venice
I just saw a guy riding one of those huge front wheel bicycles
Oh? I thought those were extinct.

Venice Physics
Apparently, as the crowds get bigger and the parties go longer, somehow the properties of glass change in a way as to make it exceedingly more fragile. The day after, broken glass can be found everywhere.


Venice Twilight Math
Beginning at the time calculated for sunset of a given day,
for each 10 min after this time,
there are 15% fewer people on the walk street,
97% of the group leaving are the those you would like to be associated with,
3% of those leaving are following others looking for an opportunity to strike;
which means when you stop to look around in the growing darkness,
100% of the people left are not anyone you'd want to do business with.

Find your way

I pass this stencil on the 'walkstreet' in front of my building each day while taking Jasper to the dog park. A walkstreet is the answer to the question, "What would you have if you built a sidewalk and realized you didn't have room for a road?" They apparently did that a lot while building Venice, CA.

This bit of street art is an interesting break from the taggers' frantic swirls and the blunt four letter words normally scribbled along the path.

I liked the quaint advice to 'brave the maze to determine the true desires of your heart.' That's what I needed to see. So, I took this picture.

I could just imagine the timid artisan huddled in a corner, cutting piece after piece of poster board to get the image just the way they want it. (Actually, I think there's a program on the Mac that will do it for you. iTagger, I believe - download it from iTunes today!) Anyway, I picture this person cutting (or clicking) their stencil, hoping to make a bold statement for all the world to see. At least that part of the world that stares at the ground and reads graffiti as they walk along. Yeah, people like me.

One morning a few weeks later (do they ever come and clean these things off?) I walk past this same slab of concrete and what had appeared to be an anatomically correct heart looks like something else. You've seen those perception experiments where they draw an old lady and a young girl with the same lines? Well, this day I look at the heart and what I see is the head of a donkey.

Now, if that's the case, it changes everything. By everything, of course, I mean it changes the little bit that a sidewalk graffiti can change anything in the grand scheme of things.

"Find your way" with a heart/maze image is a sweet reminder to dig deep to learn what you really want.

"Find your way" with a donkey/maze reads more like an admonition to "Get out of your own head, you donkey!"

Am I the one traveling down through the maze to my heart of hearts? Or am I the donkey who needs to get out of my head to see the light of day? I may never know, for in the grand tradition of street artists (and other vandals), the creator didn't sign nor explain the work.

Which is it? Poorly drawn heart or pointy eared donkey?

Or is there a deeper meaning to the artists work? Maybe this is the new "glass half empty/glass half full" analogy. I can see it now, the question will become, "Hey there, are you a heart/maze or a donkey/maze kind of girl?"

Will my life ever be the same? This I will have to ponder...

Look! There's a new one of an elephant and a beautiful lady. I wonder what that means? Oh, wait. Did someone just drop their milkshake?

Sweet Circles in the Road

No doubt you've seen the tar rimmed circles, squares and various other shapes at intersections put there to cause the change of signals. Cars roll over wire underneath these cutouts and the traffic signal knows a car waiting. The wire acts as an antenna that reacts to a large hunk of metal coming near.

These have been around for quite a while; nothing unusual about that. What makes these circles so lovely is they have been scribed into the bike lane at intersections on my commute to work. Traffic light circuitry is not just for automobiles any more - sweet!

Now in L.A. rush hour, I often have a car or two around, but during off hours I can wait a while for an old fashioned, dino-dust burning non-pedalmobile to come along.

I don't know if these tiny beauties use a different process to determine a cyclist is present, but it seems like they must. Bikes are made with precious little metal these days. My frame consists of only 4.5lbs of aluminum with the entire bike weighing around 20lbs (Ok, slightly more when you include the rider). Most of the serious cyclists these days have carbon fiber frames and light alloy wheels with a total weight of under 16lbs and only a pound or so of actual metal.

Dunno how these little things work, but they do - and I like it.